just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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