i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
