At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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