hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
