How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
