I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
