Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We got so high we made milksteak
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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