Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
