I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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