hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
