I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
