I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
