mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
