So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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