omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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