I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Someone came in the potted fern
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
