This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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