He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
