do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
