In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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