Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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