She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
