Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
