i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
