he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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