he thought i was a dude.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Text me some of your sweat
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
