wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
