Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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