theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
