I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
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2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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