Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
