we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
