every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do vagina's smell?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
