just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
