I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
