ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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