glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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