Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
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how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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