U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
