Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
