I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
