he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
