so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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