I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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