If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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