i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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