he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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