Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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