I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
