Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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