so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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