Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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