you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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