i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life