There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
